This is why Timmy doesn’t want a bunny wabbit:

 

Don’t cry Timmy! Its the Easter Bunny! He comes EVERY year and hides things in the backyard!

 

Childhood trauma. Its a beautiful thing!

Its been blistering hot! Human ventured outside to sit with me, but she soon gave up and went back in. Maybe ole PINKY needs to grow a pair and deal with a little bit of heat! Maybe I should mentor her. Teach her feng shui. Paint. GROW A FRIGGIN GARDEN!

I have been hunting at night. Human found a woodpecker in the driveway. I was so proud of my accomplishment! Sadly, when I was let out in the morning, it was gone. I think Human ate it. What a fat pig.

You might be wondering why I am bashing her so much.

WELLLLLL

she is home more often. BUGGING ME. PESTERING ME. I don’t need her in my grill all the time! She’s IN MY BUBBLE! Hmph. Maybe if I ignore her she will take the hint and leave. Grandma knows better. She lets me have the living room all to myself. And she never stretches out on the carpet. Yeah, Human does that. She’s so rude. Like I said, I need to mentor her. Ugh. Why can’t I have a nice, well-trained person to cater to me? Sometimes I feel like I have to do all of the work around here.

 

Ma heavens it has been awhile!

 
I deserve one of these.

I am in hiding. Why you ask? Because of this:

THIS IS WHAT HAS BECOME OF MY BACKYARD! CATS ARE EVERYWHERE! I CAN’T ESCAPE!

Human says there are only three cats.

I see way more than three.

It is absolutely terrifying.

Can’t you see the fear and horror in my eyes? Human must be blind. Actually, I am positive she is blind. Stevie Wonder is probably ashamed to be SEEN around her. Haha. I’m FUNNY.

Human’s hands look like they have been throw the meat grinder. Maybe she should feed me earlier and this sort of thing wouldn’t HAPPEN.

 

 

 

Osama go splat.

Human is quite excited. I am too. If you ask me, he would have been dead long ago if you had sent cats after him. Unless of course we were busy hacking up hairballs…scratching couches…okay, maybe it wouldn’t have been QUICKER, but we would have been way more efficient. A bullet? Really? How about maiming his face with CLAWS OF DEATH!?!?

Sounds way cooler.

???

Everyone was acting incredibly strange this weekend.

Yesterday, I was upstairs, trying to hide from the sudden explosion of people. I peered out the window, and I saw them dropping eggs around my yard. What the hell??? Are you so bored your going to pretend to be a chicken??? They must be special chickens too, because all of the eggs were multi colored, and when the little human rat beings opened them, stuff fell out. Not yolk. Little wrapped things that they shoved in their mouths.

So I looked up “multi colored eggs” and “weird behavior”…

Needless to say, I am still confused.

Microchip….?

I don’t want to be turned into a robot. However, Human says I need to be microchipped. Surely she prefers me to have emotions! Maybe I should be nicer. If I pretend to be amicable and willing, maybe she will change her mind. I don’t want to be a robot.

Microchips belong in robots. Right?

I don’t know what I did, Human, but I am sorry. So sorry.

hehe

I yelled at Human to get up this morning. She grumbled and rolled over, pulling the covers over her head. I jumped up next to her, purring loudly. No response.

Still no response.

Then the black box starts squawking at her! She leaps up, grabs the thing, and does voodoo magic to turn it off.

She looks back, and sees me in her place. Fast asleep.

Being the smart Human that she is, she decided not to go back to bed and headed downstairs.

I win.

sometimes

I am in the mood for cake. Human says I can’t have cake. I asked her why and she said that she doesn’t feel like cleaning up barf all day every day for a week. Readers, I think you will agree with me when I say Human is my maid. She cleans up after me. If I choose to eat cake, then she is required to clean up any mess I may make, correct? And maids don’t complain. THEY SHUT UP AND CLEAN! Do you hear that Human? CLEAN!

If I can’t have a cake, I’ll go to cakewrecks…

Oh wait nevermind. I found something better: ANOTHER person trying to imitate a big cat! WHYYYYY!?!?!? I have never seen a male person do this. He must be as rare as the Siberian Tiger. [English accent] Simply splendid!

….NOT.

The tail makes his butt look big. And whats with the back pack? If your going to at least imitate a Tiger, try to be REALISTIC. Do tigers wear clothes? No. Do they wear backpacks? No. Do they wear SHOES? No. Slather on some body paint and run around the backyard. Freak.

OKAY…So where were we? Oh yes. CAKES.

……..

so is this one of the dolphins in the Gulf of Mexico?

I think it is.

 

WHATS HAPPENING TO MEEEEE?!

I was rolling around outside, scratching all of the itchy spots on my back, when I noticed something peculiar…my paws had turned…YELLOW! I am no buzzard, I did not pee on my paws!  One word: POLLEN. Disgusting, gross, nasty, POLLEN. I hate it. I can groom for HOURS, and I will still have pollen somewhere on my body. I have runny eyes too, so Human thinks I have allergies. Gee, Human, thanks for the insight! That thought neverrrr occurred to me. Idiot.

One plus side to warmer weather: LIZARDS. The lizards are back! And its the best time to catch them because they are still slow and trying to warm up. Bwahahah! Human has rescued a few already. What a bleeding heart. Someone tell her that its okay for some animals to die…like.. the ones I want to maim and devour.

Sound good Human? Can you let pretty little me have just ONE lizard? Just one?

LOOK WHAT I FOUND!!!

For your sakes I decided against blowing it up to full size. She’s already done that for us. What is up with fat people wearing booty shorts!?!?! They automatically become underwear. Its like magic. Houdini couldn’t have pulled this off! I mean…the underwear shorts are now being swallowed by her butt. Which is more of a THASS [thass definition: when ass melds with thigh, thus becoming indistinguishable from the other]

See? My posts are educational.

Someone needs to give her a Gibb’s slap and a pair of sweatpants…and a P90X box set.

Distortion

I am not a fan of change.

A long time ago, Grandma bought a rug for the kitchen. It is quite colorful, and very large. I felt that if I were to step on it, I would be swallowed and forever disappear from earth! Human would replace me, my food bowls, and I would never be able to play with my beloved dental floss AGAIN.

Well. This makes that rug pale by comparison.

Do you see what I see? Are these even considered stairs? I see snakes! Snakes, hoses, barbed wire! SO MANY OBSTACLES! TREACHEROUS! I am sure that if one were to use these steps they would SURELY perish! I don’t see how anyone could survive.

[shudder]

Maybe Grandma is crazy, but I know she would never allow such an atrocity to be placed in my living quarters.

Besides, there is no carpeting. Where would I barf? I need a spot to barf. Its absolutely imperative I have a designated barf zone. Human doesn’t understand.

 

WHAT!?!?!

Babies are being baked?! I want one.

Human said they are fake babies….something to do with Mardi Gras. What IS that anyway? Sounds weird…especially if they put fake babies in cakes.

I wonder if anyone has ever eaten one…

Oh Charlie…sigh.

Where was I?

Maybe…here?

Or maybe….here?

Okay okay okay I am kidding. I haven’t had much to say. In fact, I have been moping. Because Human is LEAVING ME. ALONE. IN A DARK PLACE. FULL OF DAMPNESS AND DESPAIR! Reminds me of Britney Spears…

…but I guess you don’t need that mental image.

Too late!

Okay so what has the good old interwebz been up toooo?

He looks like he wants to eat them.

So this guy Charlie Sheen has been making a total fool of himself. Its too bad he is such an attention hog, I would usually come up with something witty or demeaning to say about him, but something tells me he would WANT that. So I won’t. I’ll just say he looks like someone who would eat babies. Just look at that face. He is clearly thinking: “Mmmmm….tarter sauce….with….side salad…mmmmmmm….”

Creepy guys have creepy thoughts. Its not my fault.

Okay, I need to move away from this subject… now…lets see wha–

STOP IT! STOP IT CHARLIE! WE DON’T LIKE YOU! GO AWAY! YOUR CREEPY SMILE IS GOING TO HAUNT MY CUTE, FURRY DREAMS!

STOP!

[ahem]

So I noticed that a oil rig near Louisiana burst into flames, causing all sor—

GO. AWAY. NO ONE LIKES YOU. STOP SMILING! STOP!

Stop.

Please? Please Charlie? If I ask nicely will you go away? I didn’t mean to be so rude…I promise..just…leave us alone…please?

Oh who am I kidding.