Don’t cry Timmy! Its the Easter Bunny! He comes EVERY year and hides things in the backyard!
Childhood trauma. Its a beautiful thing!
Its been blistering hot! Human ventured outside to sit with me, but she soon gave up and went back in. Maybe ole PINKY needs to grow a pair and deal with a little bit of heat! Maybe I should mentor her. Teach her feng shui. Paint. GROW A FRIGGIN GARDEN!
I have been hunting at night. Human found a woodpecker in the driveway. I was so proud of my accomplishment! Sadly, when I was let out in the morning, it was gone. I think Human ate it. What a fat pig.
You might be wondering why I am bashing her so much.
she is home more often. BUGGING ME. PESTERING ME. I don’t need her in my grill all the time! She’s IN MY BUBBLE! Hmph. Maybe if I ignore her she will take the hint and leave. Grandma knows better. She lets me have the living room all to myself. And she never stretches out on the carpet. Yeah, Human does that. She’s so rude. Like I said, I need to mentor her. Ugh. Why can’t I have a nice, well-trained person to cater to me? Sometimes I feel like I have to do all of the work around here.
I deserve one of these.
I am in hiding. Why you ask? Because of this:
THIS IS WHAT HAS BECOME OF MY BACKYARD! CATS ARE EVERYWHERE! I CAN’T ESCAPE!
Human says there are only three cats.
I see way more than three.
It is absolutely terrifying.
Can’t you see the fear and horror in my eyes? Human must be blind. Actually, I am positive she is blind. Stevie Wonder is probably ashamed to be SEEN around her. Haha. I’m FUNNY.
Human’s hands look like they have been throw the meat grinder. Maybe she should feed me earlier and this sort of thing wouldn’t HAPPEN.
Human is quite excited. I am too. If you ask me, he would have been dead long ago if you had sent cats after him. Unless of course we were busy hacking up hairballs…scratching couches…okay, maybe it wouldn’t have been QUICKER, but we would have been way more efficient. A bullet? Really? How about maiming his face with CLAWS OF DEATH!?!?
Sounds way cooler.
Everyone was acting incredibly strange this weekend.
Yesterday, I was upstairs, trying to hide from the sudden explosion of people. I peered out the window, and I saw them dropping eggs around my yard. What the hell??? Are you so bored your going to pretend to be a chicken??? They must be special chickens too, because all of the eggs were multi colored, and when the little human rat beings opened them, stuff fell out. Not yolk. Little wrapped things that they shoved in their mouths.
So I looked up “multi colored eggs” and “weird behavior”…
Needless to say, I am still confused.
I don’t want to be turned into a robot. However, Human says I need to be microchipped. Surely she prefers me to have emotions! Maybe I should be nicer. If I pretend to be amicable and willing, maybe she will change her mind. I don’t want to be a robot.
Microchips belong in robots. Right?
I don’t know what I did, Human, but I am sorry. So sorry.
I yelled at Human to get up this morning. She grumbled and rolled over, pulling the covers over her head. I jumped up next to her, purring loudly. No response.
Still no response.
Then the black box starts squawking at her! She leaps up, grabs the thing, and does voodoo magic to turn it off.
She looks back, and sees me in her place. Fast asleep.
Being the smart Human that she is, she decided not to go back to bed and headed downstairs.
I am in the mood for cake. Human says I can’t have cake. I asked her why and she said that she doesn’t feel like cleaning up barf all day every day for a week. Readers, I think you will agree with me when I say Human is my maid. She cleans up after me. If I choose to eat cake, then she is required to clean up any mess I may make, correct? And maids don’t complain. THEY SHUT UP AND CLEAN! Do you hear that Human? CLEAN!
If I can’t have a cake, I’ll go to cakewrecks…
Oh wait nevermind. I found something better: ANOTHER person trying to imitate a big cat! WHYYYYY!?!?!? I have never seen a male person do this. He must be as rare as the Siberian Tiger. [English accent] Simply splendid!
The tail makes his butt look big. And whats with the back pack? If your going to at least imitate a Tiger, try to be REALISTIC. Do tigers wear clothes? No. Do they wear backpacks? No. Do they wear SHOES? No. Slather on some body paint and run around the backyard. Freak.
OKAY…So where were we? Oh yes. CAKES.
so is this one of the dolphins in the Gulf of Mexico?
I think it is.