WHATS HAPPENING TO MEEEEE?!

I was rolling around outside, scratching all of the itchy spots on my back, when I noticed something peculiar…my paws had turned…YELLOW! I am no buzzard, I did not pee on my paws!  One word: POLLEN. Disgusting, gross, nasty, POLLEN. I hate it. I can groom for HOURS, and I will still have pollen somewhere on my body. I have runny eyes too, so Human thinks I have allergies. Gee, Human, thanks for the insight! That thought neverrrr occurred to me. Idiot.

One plus side to warmer weather: LIZARDS. The lizards are back! And its the best time to catch them because they are still slow and trying to warm up. Bwahahah! Human has rescued a few already. What a bleeding heart. Someone tell her that its okay for some animals to die…like.. the ones I want to maim and devour.

Sound good Human? Can you let pretty little me have just ONE lizard? Just one?

LOOK WHAT I FOUND!!!

For your sakes I decided against blowing it up to full size. She’s already done that for us. What is up with fat people wearing booty shorts!?!?! They automatically become underwear. Its like magic. Houdini couldn’t have pulled this off! I mean…the underwear shorts are now being swallowed by her butt. Which is more of a THASS [thass definition: when ass melds with thigh, thus becoming indistinguishable from the other]

See? My posts are educational.

Someone needs to give her a Gibb’s slap and a pair of sweatpants…and a P90X box set.


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Distortion

I am not a fan of change.

A long time ago, Grandma bought a rug for the kitchen. It is quite colorful, and very large. I felt that if I were to step on it, I would be swallowed and forever disappear from earth! Human would replace me, my food bowls, and I would never be able to play with my beloved dental floss AGAIN.

Well. This makes that rug pale by comparison.

Do you see what I see? Are these even considered stairs? I see snakes! Snakes, hoses, barbed wire! SO MANY OBSTACLES! TREACHEROUS! I am sure that if one were to use these steps they would SURELY perish! I don’t see how anyone could survive.

[shudder]

Maybe Grandma is crazy, but I know she would never allow such an atrocity to be placed in my living quarters.

Besides, there is no carpeting. Where would I barf? I need a spot to barf. Its absolutely imperative I have a designated barf zone. Human doesn’t understand.

 

WHAT!?!?!

Babies are being baked?! I want one.

Human said they are fake babies….something to do with Mardi Gras. What IS that anyway? Sounds weird…especially if they put fake babies in cakes.

I wonder if anyone has ever eaten one…

Oh Charlie…sigh.

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Where was I?

Maybe…here?

Or maybe….here?

Okay okay okay I am kidding. I haven’t had much to say. In fact, I have been moping. Because Human is LEAVING ME. ALONE. IN A DARK PLACE. FULL OF DAMPNESS AND DESPAIR! Reminds me of Britney Spears…

…but I guess you don’t need that mental image.

Too late!

Okay so what has the good old interwebz been up toooo?

He looks like he wants to eat them.

So this guy Charlie Sheen has been making a total fool of himself. Its too bad he is such an attention hog, I would usually come up with something witty or demeaning to say about him, but something tells me he would WANT that. So I won’t. I’ll just say he looks like someone who would eat babies. Just look at that face. He is clearly thinking: “Mmmmm….tarter sauce….with….side salad…mmmmmmm….”

Creepy guys have creepy thoughts. Its not my fault.

Okay, I need to move away from this subject… now…lets see wha–

STOP IT! STOP IT CHARLIE! WE DON’T LIKE YOU! GO AWAY! YOUR CREEPY SMILE IS GOING TO HAUNT MY CUTE, FURRY DREAMS!

STOP!

[ahem]

So I noticed that a oil rig near Louisiana burst into flames, causing all sor—

GO. AWAY. NO ONE LIKES YOU. STOP SMILING! STOP!

Stop.

Please? Please Charlie? If I ask nicely will you go away? I didn’t mean to be so rude…I promise..just…leave us alone…please?

Oh who am I kidding.

 

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What, don’t I get a say in anything?

So what does Hairy Man think he’s doing, proposing to Human? Is he NUTS?! I already claimed her! She’s MINE! I don’t like this. I don’t like this at all. Human said that I will always be her schnoogykins [I think I just puked a little] and that nothing will EVER change that. Pfft. Then why is there a sparkly thing on your finger, HUMANNNN? Thats a big change. I don’t appreciate you doing this without my consent. Hairy Man, why didn’t you ask me first? Isn’t that tradition? Geez. Cats are always getting the short end of the stick around here.

Meh. Anyways. Here is a cake to honor such a SPECIAL occasion [courtesy of Cake Wrecks]. BLECH!

This could say a number of things. It could say Fiance, Fiaivcr, Fiaivce…its like…a PUZZLE! A puzzle of bizarre, misshapen letters on crappy fondant! How quaint.

 

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Hmph! Offensive.

I haven’t posted because [sniff] one of YOU readers thinks I am a fraud. That HUMAN writes these posts for me. My paws are perfectly capable of executing the keyboard! Maybe you, oh skeptical reader, doesn’t want to believe that I, a cat [gasp] could have such enormous talents. Why, that would be ludicrous! No. Not so. I am gifted, true. No one can argue that I, Frizzle, am indeed a genius. Smarter than any old feline out there [including YOU Eclipse! You gross nasty thing!]

So. After much pouting and deliberating I have decided to not write anymore. It’s too HARRRRD. BECAUSE I’M A CAAAAAAAAT. WAHHHHHHHHHHH!

Just kidding.

Here’s another funny photo:

Why…this isn’t funny at all. It’s a CAT. TYPING! Quick, all of you skeptics, run! Before your heads explode!

 

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HAHA!

This baby doesn’t stand a chance.

MORE ANIMAL PRINT!!!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

I guess the crazy lady from a previous post has a couple of cubs at home. Even though they can’t talk [although they do make some alien-like noises and gurgles!] they DO have feelings! If the pink thing could talk, she would say “SOMEONE ADOPT ME!” Lets face it lady..you dressed your little one up like a..uh…uhm…Human said I can’t say it on hereSKANKbut I am going to anyway.

Ahem.

So I think I have made my point clear: ANIMAL PRINTS ARE AWFUL! Just because its on a smaller person does not make it okay!

Did I mention its raining right now? By the time HUMANNN let me in I was drenched! How dare she keep me waiting!? I’m trying to clean myself but my fur is sticking to my tongue and its TRULY unpleasant. I will get even….this will not go unpunished.

 

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Vet Visit #2

I came inside yesterday with a stomach ache. I kept puking and then my face started to swell. Human rushed me to the vet, thinking I had been bit by a snake or bee. The vet said I had a allergic reaction to something. I got two shots and started feeling A LOT better. Human mumbled about needing to wrap me in bubble wrap. That doesn’t sound comfortable.

Today I am taking it easy, sleeping on my bed and keeping close to Human. As much as I hate to admit it she DOES comfort me the best out of anyone. She understands that just because I am beside her doesn’t mean I want to be petted.

Anyway. For your amusement, darling readers, here is something that will make your brain hurt. In a good way, of course! Who doesn’t like analyzing photos?

My lumps, my lumps, my ugly manly lumps!

Check em out!

No. I don’t want to, but I HAVE TO!  This is atrocious. I hope thats just shading around the thong, not hair. It is hair? I feel sick again. Someone give me another shot! I am getting the vapors!

Did he steal his girlfriends underwear? Those are never going to fit her EVER. AGAIN. EVERRR. AGAINNNNNN!

Human said she would worry if Furry Man decided to put on her panties. But see, Furry Man is a man, and he knows that men wear bigger panties. I don’t know why she tells me these things. I don’t need those images floating around in my head. Especially right now. Maybe sleeping next to her wasn’t such a good idea. Ugh.

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