They HAVE those kind of awards? Wow. I want one. Human says I have to be heroic or noble in some way. Is she kidding? I brave my backyard every day! There are daunting obstacles like…twigs…and squirrels. Dirty, nasty, smelly squirrels. They are real rude. I was totally in the process of stalking a delicious little bird, and they freaked out! Naturallyyyy the bird flew away. Stupid furballs and their loud voice boxes.
After Human made that insensitive remark about loyalty and something something blah blah, I decided to do some research. Did you know our President received the noble peace prize for doing NOTHING? So really, if someone can win the peace prize before ever accomplishing anything, then maybe I could write the A.S.P.C.A. myself and tell them the following:
1. I promise to valiantly protect my family against armed robbers. Because, you know, I love them and stuff. And if they were to die I’d be hungry cause no one could feed me. And that would be very bad.
2. I will legalize gay marriage. What? Everyone says it!
3. I promise to make a treaty with Simba the Devil Cat That Wants to EAT ME.
4. I’ll clean up the oil spill. Really. I promise. I’ll even show commercials promoting my cleanup effort. Seriously. I’ll do it.
5. Save everyone in the neighborhood from a massive explosion that will take place three days from now that I know nothing about and that I would NEVER plan on starting.