Well, Christmas has come and gone my darling readers. I did not enjoy it one bit and let Human know by barfing on her pillow while she was downstairs with the neffews. Everyone made so much noise! How was I supposed to get my beauty sleep? Honestly. Its like they all forget cats have 32 muscles in each ear. Yeah. Think about it.
I have been puking a lot lately. Human is convinced its because of the neighbor’s cats. Which…I guess is sort of true. I don’t exactly have nerves of steel. I never go outside if I see the dreaded Simba. Human says she’ll take a photo and post it so people will see just how ferocious he is. You won’t believe how maniacal and demonic this cat can be! I think he has a torture chamber somewhere. And, contrary to what my Human says, I am NOT being dramatic! I’M NOT!
Grandma caught me peeing in the fireplace. I hissed at her when she yelled at me. She told Human later and she laughed. Human has a weird sense of humor. I was PEEING! I don’t see how that is funny. Imagine someone bursting into your litter box and laughing! No. Not funny. It’s embarrassing. I feel so exposed. So dirty! Its not quite sexual harassment, but readers, it’s getting there. Mark my words.
WHAT IS THIS?!
No. NO NO NO. Ling-Ling is dead dead! Why would you be looking for his HEAD? “Ling-Ling very good dog.” Apparently not. You cut off his friggin HEAD! What kind of reward do you get for giving back a dog head? Do you get to keep YOURS? Or maybe you get his head as an award? Why would you touch it? Cryonicists are behind this, I think. They hack off heads and freeze them. Maybe their little Ling-Ling here rolled away during a procedure. Hahahha. Imagine a dog’s head bouncing down a highway. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!
No but seriously. Find Ling-Ling. We’re the only hope he has. *sniff*